Quotes - Mega Feed
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Alex Jefferson: Connie and Mitch, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i—
Connie Kendall: We were just gonna talk.
Alex Jefferson: Connie and Mitch, sitting in a tree, t-a-l-k-i-n-g.
Connie Kendall: We were not in a tree.
Alex Jefferson: Connie and Mitch, sitting in a booth—
John Whittaker: I think you two better stop now.
Alex Jefferson: We're just practicing our spelling. S-p-l-l, I mean, s-p-i--
—“Broken Window” -
Danny: Connie, I think you've better have a look at this table.
Connie Kendall: Why, what's wrong with it?
Danny: It's wobbly. I don't think it's safe for children my age.
Connie Kendall: You don't think it's safe? What are you going to do, drive it home? You know, I really worry about you kids sometimes.
—“Nothing to Fear” -
Jason Whittaker: This place gives me the creeps!
John Whittaker: As well it should. It's a tunnel of tombs.
Jason Whittaker: Terrific.
—“The Search for Whit, Part 3” -
Jack Allen: You know, when we first started talking about it, I thought we were just having a philosophical debate. I didn't believe you were going to follow up on it.
Jason Whittaker: I get tired of discussing and debating. I like to take action. Why not try some of the things we talk about?
Jack Allen: Because things can't go terribly wrong if we talk.
—“A Touch of Healing, Part 1” -
Robert Mitchell: If you ever do get locked in a trunk, you can kick out the brake lights and wave out the back to signal vehicles behind you.
—“It's All About Me” -
Cal Jordan: Maybe they've all been hypnotized! You know, like that movie.
Alex Jefferson: What movie?
Cal Jordan: You know the one.
Alex Jefferson: No, I don’t.
Cal Jordan: Sure you do—with what’s his name, that guy, and that girl with spiky hair.
Alex Jefferson: You mean the one that carries that... thing around?
Mandy Straussberg: Are you guys talking in code?
Cal Jordan: No! It's that movie where the whole town gets hypnotized! All I'm saying is that this is just like that.
—“The Unraveling” -
Tom Riley: But what about things like free speech?
Bart Rathbone: What about things like that? People can have free speech.
Tom Riley: As long as they agree with you.
Bart Rathbone: Well, yeah. Nobody likes disagreeable people.
—“Tom for Mayor, Part 2” -
Tasha Forbes: Let's take a walk.
Jason Whittaker: Okay...as long as we can stay outside.
Tasha Forbes: Jason! You don't think you can trust me?
—“A Name, Not a Number, Part 2” -
John Whittaker: I can't escape this nagging feeling that... we haven't even seen the worst of it yet.
—“Expect the Worst” -
Marvin: Jared, you… you move like a wounded polar bear, buddy. I… I’m sorry
Jared: Yeah, I get it. I can’t dance ‘cause I’m white.
Marvin: That’s not what I’m saying.
Jared: Yes, it is. Polar bears are white. I’m white and you’re racist. -
Connie: You’re right Bernard
Bernard: Of course I am! You think I got this old by being stupid? -
Penny: I never understood why people throw rice at weddings.
Connie: Because tomatoes leave stains -
Connie: You know, I’ve been thinking…
Bernard: Well, that would explain the beads of sweat. -
William Shakespeare: Wilt thou plucketh out mine beard and blow it in mine face? I resenteth thou thine insinuation, poppinjay!
—“B-TV: Compassion” -
Bernard: I just want to be young, handsome, and healthy again.
Whit: Bernard, that’s what we all want!
Bernard: I know - but I deserve it! -
Detective Polehouse: My guys couldn’t find Waldo if they took the book home for the weekend!
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Liz: You know, I’ve realized that I’m probably just perect and it’s everybody else around me that’s got issues.
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Connie Kendall: I guess you could call me a "secret agent" of God's will.
John Whittaker: Uh, oh!
—“Thy Will Be Done” -
Detective Polehouse: Ladies and gentlement, allow me to introduce, Man Not Caring [points to self]
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Bernard: What is it with steel wool? Is it steel? Or is it wool?
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Edwin: The Good Lord is telling me to confess to something.
Bart: [whispering] Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay… -
Rodney Rathbone: Move, please. Do you know you're a large person and you're in my way?
Mandy Straussberg: Maybe "excuse me" would work better, Rodney.
—“Changing Rodney” -
Bryan Dern: Good morning! Well, it was a good morning until my boss dragged me out’a bed to do double duty as – that's right – your Saturday morning talk show host. It’s me, Cryin’ Bryan Dern, with you... all morning.
—“Tornado!” -
John Whittaker: Hi, can I help you? Well now Connie, this is something different. It's been a long time since I’ve waited on you as a customer.
—“Go Ye Therefore” -
Eugene Meltsner: Dear God: my new Father in heaven; I am uncharacteristically at a loss of words. So please accept my verbal fumblings as I finally respond to Your promptings.
—“The Time Has Come” -
Chilion: I am small in stature, it's true, but... big in heart.
—“Three Funerals and a Wedding, Part 1” -
Proclus: I am Proclus the commander of the Roman Garrison.
King Herod: Yes, yes I know who you are. Welcome. But I was referring to the vision of loveliness standing behind you.
Proclus: This is Connie.
—“The Star, Part 1” -
Leslie: But, the bus pulled up... and the door opened... and... and it was him!
John Whittaker: Who?
Leslie: Our bus driver, Crazy Eddie!
Crazy Eddie: <laughs evilly> Hello, my pretties! Welcome to my weirdsmobile. All aboard! <laughs evilly again>
—“Back to School” -
Connie Kendall: You look terrible.
Tom Riley: Well, thank you. You don't look so bad yourself.
—“The Mortal Coil, Part 2” -
Eugene Meltsner: Happy Holidays, Connie.
Connie Kendall: Merry Christmas, Eugene. I'd hug you too, but I don't have time for the explanation of the process.
—“Peace on Earth” -
Powerboy fan: Mr. Doyle, is it true that you've been drawing Powerboy in secret for the last five years?
Harlow Doyle: It must be true. I just heard it on the radio!
—“Rights, Wrongs, and Winners” -
Bart Rathbone: The mics and the earpieces are so small, they're nearly indefectible.
Aubrey Shepard: You mean, indetectable.
Bart Rathbone: Yeah, that, too.
—“Blind Girl's Bluff” -
Cal Jordan: Come on, the paper bag?
Alex Jefferson: Okay, I guess maybe you can use it to cover his... face.
—“Snow Day” -
Mom: Do you know the difference between an insecure child and an insecure adult?
Stacey: No.
Mom: The insecure adult can vote.
—“The Letter” -
Bart Rathbone: Well, happy greetings everyone! What a beautiful day it is, ain’t it?
Connie Kendall: Well, it used to be.
—“Green Eyes and Yellow Tulips” -
Eugene Meltsner: Be forewarned: I am equipped with a very heavy paperweight -- and I am not afraid to use it!
—“The Perfect Witness, Part 3” -
Sarah Prachett: What do you mean, "shhhh?"
Alex Jefferson: We mean be quiet. Our napkin dispenser might be bugged.
Sarah Prachett: Yup, I knew it would happen sooner or later. Too many video games--turns your brain into macaroni and cheese.
—“Grand Opening, Part 1” -
Charles VanHorn: Look, I drew a dinosaur.
Jared DeWhite: Not bad. Why is he purple?
—“Natural Born Leader” -
Herbert: What’sa matter, kid? What happens at three thirty? You turn into a pumpkin or somethin’?
Jimmy Barclay: No, not a pumpkin — dead meat. Three thirty is when my dad gets home.
—“The Prodigal, Jimmy” -
Eugene Meltsner: I shall be scant inches away should you require my assistance!
Bernard Walton: I require your assistance like I require a third nostril.
—“Deliver Us From Evil” -
Joel: You don't... need to search anymore.
Eugene Meltsner: What do you mean?
Joel: I'm your father. I'm Leonard Meltsner!
—“A Time for Action, Part 2” -
Doris Rathbone: Someone get the number of that truck! Oh, wait. It's you, Eugene.
—“The One About Trust, Part 1” -
Dan Isidro: Whit, I know where Eugene is.
John Whittaker: What? Where?
Dan Isidro: Down there in the arena!
Eugene Meltsner: Mr. Whittaker... HELP!
—“The Cross of Cortes, Part 1” -
Lazarus: Jesus the Christ. Hmm... the Messiah.
Ishod: You would be wise to keep that kind of talk to yourself, Eleazar.
Jeduthun: It would certainly ruin your afternoon to be stoned right here in the streets for blasphemy.
Ishod: If nothing else, it would put your guests off their food!
Lazarus: And peace be with you, rabbis.
—“An Adventure in Bethany, Part 1” -
Bernard Walton: Just remember, God can heal the worst of relationships between brothers and sisters.
Erica Clark: Yeah.
Bernard Walton: Meanwhile, you need to be patient and loving. And the next time Haley does something bad to you, short sheet her bed.
Erica Clark: Really?
Bernard Walton: No. Kid believes anything I tell her.
—“Two Brothers... and Bernard, Part 2” -
Solly Mendelson: The early bird gets the worm...
Irving Greenfarb: ... but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese!
—“True Calling” -
Wooton Bassett: Talia! Breakfast is ready! <banging gong>
Talia Bassett: Really, Uncle Wooton, is all that racket necessary?
Wooton Bassett: Yeah, it's a breakfast gong.
Talia Bassett: A souvenir from overseas?
Wooton Bassett: Nope, Gongs'R'Us.
—“For the Fun of It” -
Jared DeWhite: As the Bible says, why do you care so much about the spam in your brother's eye when you have a hog in your own? Or something like that.
—“Something Cliqued Between Us” -
Brad: Do you wanna be a dummy all your life?
Leonard: Only if I have to.
—“What Are We Gonna Do About Halloween?” -
Dale Jacobs: Marjorie Sadler? Oh, no.
John Whittaker: What's wrong?
Dale Jacobs: Marjorie Sadler has visited my office a number of times. Every week she has a new complaint against somebody. The guys in the newsroom call her "the crank lady". Two weeks ago she said that the Nazis were putting drugs in the city water supply to make us all move to Germany.
Connie Kendall: Uh-oh.
—“Muckraker” -
John Whittaker: When I take a look at someone, I want to see the heart and the spirit. What a person is on the outside doesn't last. But on the inside, there's a soul that goes on forever.
—“Not One of Us” -
Bart Rathbone: Unlike you, Riley, I believe in toleration. And as mayor, I won't put up with anybody who isn't tolerant!
Tom Riley: You won't tolerate intolerance?
Bart Rathbone: Right.
Tom Riley: So you're intolerant of people who tolerate intolerance.
Bart Rathbone: Yeah! My first act as mayor will be to form a committee to investigate intolerance and stamp it out!
—“Tom for Mayor, Part 2” -
John Whittaker: Really, Eugene, you've been reading too many detective stories.
Eugene Meltsner: I don't read them at all!
John Whittaker: Maybe you should. Then you wouldn't come up with such silly ideas. What are you going to do next, set up bear traps?
Eugene Meltsner: Well, as a matter of fact, I—
John Whittaker: And you, Connie, crawling around like Rambo through the house plants—in camouflage grease-paint!
—“Suspicious Minds” -
Dwayne Oswald: Chores are the hands that squeeze my neck! The twisted metal of an emotional car wreck!
—“Chores No More” -
Nicky Rogers: Where was the daddy cat?
Joe Rogers: Um... well, uh, I think he had gone to work.
—“A Simple Addition” -
Wooton Bassett: Connie! Connie, I really need your help real bad!! <calm> Oh, hi Matthew. How are you?
Matthew Parker: Hi, Wooton.
Wooton Bassett: Hi! <frantic again> Oh, Connie, Connie, listen! Penny is lost in the Hall of Mirrors! I can hear her in there, but I can't find her!!! You gotta help!! Oh, come on, come on, its this way...uh...maybe its over here, I don't know. Oh, come with me either way! Come on!
—“The Green Ring Conspiracy, Part 6” -
Courtney Vincent: Aren't there any stories about love?
Connie Kendall: They're all about love. The whole Bible is about it: God's love for us!
Jenny Roberts: Not love, Connie. Love.
Connie Kendall: Oh, love. You mean romance.
—“Three Funerals and a Wedding, Part 1” -
Jared DeWhite: Some dirty low-down no-good louse took my cap! That really stinks!
—“A Case of Revenge” -
Isaac Morton: I can't believe it! If someone else does C.S. Lewis after all I've gone through, I'm gonna be really mad. Unless they're bigger than me. In that case I'll probably go home and have a good cry.
—“Isaac the Insecure” -
Trent DeWhite: You know, I've never actually had a Whit's End pizza.
Marvin Washington: Yeah, well, he makes it with an old copy machine.
Trent DeWhite: Heh. I should've asked for extra toner.
—“The Nudge” -
Connie Kendall: You're not just anybody; you're John Avery Whittaker. Rumor has it that he never gets sick.
—“Bad Company” -
Bernard Walton: Eugene, you are unbelievable.
Eugene Meltsner: Ah, I believe I am entirely based within the realm of plausibility.
Bernard Walton: But no one does a survey to decide who they're going to marry!
—“For Whom the Wedding Bells Toll, Part 3” -
Tasha Forbes: Let's take a walk.
Jason Whittaker: Okay...as long as we can stay outside.
Tasha Forbes: Jason! You don't think you can trust me?
—“A Name, Not a Number, Part 2” -
Jimmy Barclay: Great! Now what do you want me to do, Lawrence?
Lawrence Hodges: I think you should wear a bow tie.
Jimmy Barclay: I'll look like my dad. He's a pastor.
—“A Call for Reverend Jimmy” -
Artie Powell: Hi, Mr. Walton!
Bernard Walton: Whah!
Artie Powell: That was neat, Mr. Walton. I've never seen someone jump straight up and into a bucket of water before!
Bernard Walton: Glad you liked it, Artie. Now will you help get this thing off my foot?
—“Bernard and Joseph, Part 2” -
Regis Blackgaard: Laugh now Whittaker, but I'm not finished with you. Not by a long shot.
—“Waylaid in the Windy City, Part 2” -
Connie Kendall: Okay, everybody on the bus!
David Harley: Alright children, we don’t want a riot here. Let’s have a little orderly dispersal: I want everybody to line up alphabetically according to their height!
—“Missed It By That Much” -
John Whittaker: Far be it from me to compare any of my measly inventions to the brilliance of Zapazoids.
—“Lincoln, Part 1” -
Bryan Dern: Okay so, now I'm bored. Bored, bored, BORED! There's nothing to talk about! The most excitement around here is a little press conference with the mayor. According to the two people who actually attended, they've decided to bury the new time capsule back in the basement at Whit's End. Well, whoopedy, doopedy, doo!!
—“The Forgotten Deed” -
Eugene Meltsner: It was already impossible to finish the Edu-link on time. And now it's even impossibler.
Connie Kendall: Eugene, you just used the word "impossibler!"
Eugene Meltsner: It's a neologism.
—“The Impossible” -
Bill Mason: He must have caught an updraft.
Donna Barclay: It's carrying him off.
Bill Mason: Yeah! Toward Pearl Harbor!
Rodney Rathbone: I want my mommy!
—“Aloha, Oy!, Part 3” -
John Whittaker: ...Oh, it took only a few stitches...
Connie Kendall: ...and eighteen stitches are not just a few.
—“Stormy Weather” -
Jason Whittaker: Why are you so afraid of this new technology? I mean, it's like a miracle of science!
Jack Allen: Because there are no such things as miracles of science.
—“A Touch of Healing, Part 2” -
Jason Whittaker: Eugene went two weeks without actual verbal contact with Katrina? He must have broke out in hives.
John Whittaker: Well, he had a rash or two, but I blame that on his camel-riding.
—“The Right Choice, Part 1” -
Eugene Meltsner: Well, this'll be our little secret... but I do have to tell someone.
Connie Kendall: Eugene!
Eugene Meltsner: Mr. Whittaker! You'll never guess...
—“The Champ of the Camp” -
Connie Kendall: My arm is feeling fine, Eugene! In fact, it's feeling so much better, I think I could clobber you! Would you please just go?!
—“Broken-Armed and Dangerous” -
Cody Carper: Post-haste... boy, she's movin' post-haste! Maybe Mr. Whittaker can help me... post-haste. I like it!
—“The Graduate” -
Young Jack Allen: Uh oh. I know that tone. It's the same tone you used when you caught me playing matador with your father's bull.
Young Emily: You needed some straight talking then, and you need some straight talking now.
—“The Triangle, Part 2” -
Sydney Sellica: I stand against smoking. Never start smoking, Tamika. Smoking kills, and if you're killed you've lost a very important part of your life!
—“Stars in Our Eyes” -
Connie Kendall: I made Eugene cry!!
Tamika Washington: You made Eugene cry?!
—“Broken-Armed and Dangerous” -
Eugene Meltsner: Of course! Don't allow the facts to get in the way of your opinion!
—“Naturally, I Assumed...” -
Jellyfish: Rodney and me were just taking a stroll through the woods. What were you doin'?
Butch: You know, strollin'. Just like you!
Jellyfish: Just like me, eh, Butchy? I think you have some explaining to do. And if I were you, I'd tell us everything.
—“Gathering Thunder” -
Connie Kendall: I had one guy take a pamphlet so he could tear it up in front of me — right in front of my face! I wanted to punch him, but... thought it wouldn't be a very good witness.
—“Go Ye Therefore” -
Bart Rathbone: The mics and the earpieces are so small, they're nearly indefectible.
Aubrey Shepard: You mean, indetectable.
Bart Rathbone: Yeah, that, too.
—“Blind Girl's Bluff” -
John Whittaker: Every time you're tempted to do something bad, I'll be the one who tries to talk you out of it.
Jimmy Barclay: Oh, yeah, like in the cartoons. Only, there's supposed to be a good guy on one shoulder, and a bad guy on the other.
John Whittaker: You don't need a bad guy. You do all right by yourself.
—“Into Temptation” -
Katrina Shanks: Now, would you care to explain to me what that tirade was all about?
Connie Kendall: Tirade... it was nothing. Lines from a play I'm working on. It's called, "The Large Foot Pushed Deep into the Mouth."
—“Naturally, I Assumed...” -
Courtney Vincent: Sorry we're late Connie. We would have been here sooner but someone lost her cane.
Jenny Roberts: I didn't lose it. My brother was using it to play pool.
—“Three Funerals and a Wedding, Part 2” -
Connie Kendall: It's not that bad, Eugene.
Eugene Meltsner: Precisely what they told General Custer on the ride to Little Bighorn. It's bad enough! It hit a tree, a taillight's broken! How could this have happened? I'm sure I set the parking brake!
John Whittaker: ...Oh, boy.
Eugene Meltsner: "Oh boy," Mr. Whittaker? There's sub-text in that phrase, I'm certain of it!
John Whittaker: Well, the parking brake doesn't work. That's one of the quirks. You have to leave it in gear to keep it from rolling.
—“Two Friends and a Truck” -
Todd: Where'd you learn to drive?
Aubrey Shepard: I drove a lawn tractor at the Timothy Center.
—“Under the Influence, Part 2” -
Robert Mitchell: I’m Mitch, by the way. What’s your name?
Connie Kendall: Mitch... I mean, Connie!
—“Green Eyes and Yellow Tulips”