Quotes - Mega Feed
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Eugene Meltsner: Be forewarned: I am equipped with a very heavy paperweight -- and I am not afraid to use it!
—“The Perfect Witness, Part 3” -
Sarah Prachett: What do you mean, "shhhh?"
Alex Jefferson: We mean be quiet. Our napkin dispenser might be bugged.
Sarah Prachett: Yup, I knew it would happen sooner or later. Too many video games--turns your brain into macaroni and cheese.
—“Grand Opening, Part 1” -
Charles VanHorn: Look, I drew a dinosaur.
Jared DeWhite: Not bad. Why is he purple?
—“Natural Born Leader” -
Herbert: What’sa matter, kid? What happens at three thirty? You turn into a pumpkin or somethin’?
Jimmy Barclay: No, not a pumpkin — dead meat. Three thirty is when my dad gets home.
—“The Prodigal, Jimmy” -
Connie: How would you like a girl to let you know she’s interested in you?
Jason: I would want her to say she’s interested in me.
Connie: Flat out, just like that?
Jason: Well, she could work her way up to it. Start by telling me how intelligent, handsome, funny, and charming I am.
Bernard: So the girl should lie.
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Jason, in the hospital after being shot: At first I was really scared. Then when I realized it was just a shoulder wound, I calmed down. Actually, I passed out, but I did it calmly.
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Bill: I don’t wanna brag, but I have a lot of experience with women being mad at me.
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Eugene Meltsner: I shall be scant inches away should you require my assistance!
Bernard Walton: I require your assistance like I require a third nostril.
—“Deliver Us From Evil” -
Joel: You don't... need to search anymore.
Eugene Meltsner: What do you mean?
Joel: I'm your father. I'm Leonard Meltsner!
—“A Time for Action, Part 2” -
Doris Rathbone: Someone get the number of that truck! Oh, wait. It's you, Eugene.
—“The One About Trust, Part 1” -
Dan Isidro: Whit, I know where Eugene is.
John Whittaker: What? Where?
Dan Isidro: Down there in the arena!
Eugene Meltsner: Mr. Whittaker... HELP!
—“The Cross of Cortes, Part 1” -
Lazarus: Jesus the Christ. Hmm... the Messiah.
Ishod: You would be wise to keep that kind of talk to yourself, Eleazar.
Jeduthun: It would certainly ruin your afternoon to be stoned right here in the streets for blasphemy.
Ishod: If nothing else, it would put your guests off their food!
Lazarus: And peace be with you, rabbis.
—“An Adventure in Bethany, Part 1” -
Bernard Walton: Just remember, God can heal the worst of relationships between brothers and sisters.
Erica Clark: Yeah.
Bernard Walton: Meanwhile, you need to be patient and loving. And the next time Haley does something bad to you, short sheet her bed.
Erica Clark: Really?
Bernard Walton: No. Kid believes anything I tell her.
—“Two Brothers... and Bernard, Part 2” -
Solly Mendelson: The early bird gets the worm...
Irving Greenfarb: ... but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese!
—“True Calling” -
Wooton Bassett: Talia! Breakfast is ready! <banging gong>
Talia Bassett: Really, Uncle Wooton, is all that racket necessary?
Wooton Bassett: Yeah, it's a breakfast gong.
Talia Bassett: A souvenir from overseas?
Wooton Bassett: Nope, Gongs'R'Us.
—“For the Fun of It” -
Jared DeWhite: As the Bible says, why do you care so much about the spam in your brother's eye when you have a hog in your own? Or something like that.
—“Something Cliqued Between Us” -
Brad: Do you wanna be a dummy all your life?
Leonard: Only if I have to.
—“What Are We Gonna Do About Halloween?” -
Dale Jacobs: Marjorie Sadler? Oh, no.
John Whittaker: What's wrong?
Dale Jacobs: Marjorie Sadler has visited my office a number of times. Every week she has a new complaint against somebody. The guys in the newsroom call her "the crank lady". Two weeks ago she said that the Nazis were putting drugs in the city water supply to make us all move to Germany.
Connie Kendall: Uh-oh.
—“Muckraker” -
John Whittaker: When I take a look at someone, I want to see the heart and the spirit. What a person is on the outside doesn't last. But on the inside, there's a soul that goes on forever.
—“Not One of Us” -
Bart Rathbone: Unlike you, Riley, I believe in toleration. And as mayor, I won't put up with anybody who isn't tolerant!
Tom Riley: You won't tolerate intolerance?
Bart Rathbone: Right.
Tom Riley: So you're intolerant of people who tolerate intolerance.
Bart Rathbone: Yeah! My first act as mayor will be to form a committee to investigate intolerance and stamp it out!
—“Tom for Mayor, Part 2” -
John Whittaker: Really, Eugene, you've been reading too many detective stories.
Eugene Meltsner: I don't read them at all!
John Whittaker: Maybe you should. Then you wouldn't come up with such silly ideas. What are you going to do next, set up bear traps?
Eugene Meltsner: Well, as a matter of fact, I—
John Whittaker: And you, Connie, crawling around like Rambo through the house plants—in camouflage grease-paint!
—“Suspicious Minds” -
Dwayne Oswald: Chores are the hands that squeeze my neck! The twisted metal of an emotional car wreck!
—“Chores No More” -
Nicky Rogers: Where was the daddy cat?
Joe Rogers: Um... well, uh, I think he had gone to work.
—“A Simple Addition” -
Jason: [to everyone at a party] do you guys ever think about dying?
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Wooton Bassett: Connie! Connie, I really need your help real bad!! <calm> Oh, hi Matthew. How are you?
Matthew Parker: Hi, Wooton.
Wooton Bassett: Hi! <frantic again> Oh, Connie, Connie, listen! Penny is lost in the Hall of Mirrors! I can hear her in there, but I can't find her!!! You gotta help!! Oh, come on, come on, its this way...uh...maybe its over here, I don't know. Oh, come with me either way! Come on!
—“The Green Ring Conspiracy, Part 6” -
Courtney Vincent: Aren't there any stories about love?
Connie Kendall: They're all about love. The whole Bible is about it: God's love for us!
Jenny Roberts: Not love, Connie. Love.
Connie Kendall: Oh, love. You mean romance.
—“Three Funerals and a Wedding, Part 1” -
Jared DeWhite: Some dirty low-down no-good louse took my cap! That really stinks!
—“A Case of Revenge” -
Isaac Morton: I can't believe it! If someone else does C.S. Lewis after all I've gone through, I'm gonna be really mad. Unless they're bigger than me. In that case I'll probably go home and have a good cry.
—“Isaac the Insecure” -
Trent DeWhite: You know, I've never actually had a Whit's End pizza.
Marvin Washington: Yeah, well, he makes it with an old copy machine.
Trent DeWhite: Heh. I should've asked for extra toner.
—“The Nudge” -
Connie Kendall: You're not just anybody; you're John Avery Whittaker. Rumor has it that he never gets sick.
—“Bad Company” -
Bernard Walton: Eugene, you are unbelievable.
Eugene Meltsner: Ah, I believe I am entirely based within the realm of plausibility.
Bernard Walton: But no one does a survey to decide who they're going to marry!
—“For Whom the Wedding Bells Toll, Part 3” -
Tasha Forbes: Let's take a walk.
Jason Whittaker: Okay...as long as we can stay outside.
Tasha Forbes: Jason! You don't think you can trust me?
—“A Name, Not a Number, Part 2” -
Jimmy Barclay: Great! Now what do you want me to do, Lawrence?
Lawrence Hodges: I think you should wear a bow tie.
Jimmy Barclay: I'll look like my dad. He's a pastor.
—“A Call for Reverend Jimmy” -
Artie Powell: Hi, Mr. Walton!
Bernard Walton: Whah!
Artie Powell: That was neat, Mr. Walton. I've never seen someone jump straight up and into a bucket of water before!
Bernard Walton: Glad you liked it, Artie. Now will you help get this thing off my foot?
—“Bernard and Joseph, Part 2” -
Regis Blackgaard: Laugh now Whittaker, but I'm not finished with you. Not by a long shot.
—“Waylaid in the Windy City, Part 2” -
Connie Kendall: Okay, everybody on the bus!
David Harley: Alright children, we don’t want a riot here. Let’s have a little orderly dispersal: I want everybody to line up alphabetically according to their height!
—“Missed It By That Much” -
John Whittaker: Far be it from me to compare any of my measly inventions to the brilliance of Zapazoids.
—“Lincoln, Part 1” -
Bryan Dern: Okay so, now I'm bored. Bored, bored, BORED! There's nothing to talk about! The most excitement around here is a little press conference with the mayor. According to the two people who actually attended, they've decided to bury the new time capsule back in the basement at Whit's End. Well, whoopedy, doopedy, doo!!
—“The Forgotten Deed” -
Eugene Meltsner: It was already impossible to finish the Edu-link on time. And now it's even impossibler.
Connie Kendall: Eugene, you just used the word "impossibler!"
Eugene Meltsner: It's a neologism.
—“The Impossible” -
Bill Mason: He must have caught an updraft.
Donna Barclay: It's carrying him off.
Bill Mason: Yeah! Toward Pearl Harbor!
Rodney Rathbone: I want my mommy!
—“Aloha, Oy!, Part 3” -
John Whittaker: ...Oh, it took only a few stitches...
Connie Kendall: ...and eighteen stitches are not just a few.
—“Stormy Weather” -
Jason Whittaker: Why are you so afraid of this new technology? I mean, it's like a miracle of science!
Jack Allen: Because there are no such things as miracles of science.
—“A Touch of Healing, Part 2” -
Jason Whittaker: Eugene went two weeks without actual verbal contact with Katrina? He must have broke out in hives.
John Whittaker: Well, he had a rash or two, but I blame that on his camel-riding.
—“The Right Choice, Part 1” -
Eugene Meltsner: Well, this'll be our little secret... but I do have to tell someone.
Connie Kendall: Eugene!
Eugene Meltsner: Mr. Whittaker! You'll never guess...
—“The Champ of the Camp” -
Connie Kendall: My arm is feeling fine, Eugene! In fact, it's feeling so much better, I think I could clobber you! Would you please just go?!
—“Broken-Armed and Dangerous” -
Cody Carper: Post-haste... boy, she's movin' post-haste! Maybe Mr. Whittaker can help me... post-haste. I like it!
—“The Graduate” -
Young Jack Allen: Uh oh. I know that tone. It's the same tone you used when you caught me playing matador with your father's bull.
Young Emily: You needed some straight talking then, and you need some straight talking now.
—“The Triangle, Part 2” -
George: Before you say anything, Jimmy, I want to tell you, I don’t want to hear it. Can’t you give your mother and me five minutes of peace?
Jimmy: You know what? You can have the rest of the day because I’ve given up. I’m not gonna have any fun anyway so why try?
George: As long as we’re on the same page.
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Sydney Sellica: I stand against smoking. Never start smoking, Tamika. Smoking kills, and if you're killed you've lost a very important part of your life!
—“Stars in Our Eyes” -
Connie Kendall: I made Eugene cry!!
Tamika Washington: You made Eugene cry?!
—“Broken-Armed and Dangerous” -
Connie: Well let’s not just sit around wasting time eating chocolate. Let’s do something constructive.
Jules: Do you want to eat some ice cream?
Connie: That’s not a bad idea.
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Eugene: That’s a bullet hole. That’s a bullet hole in your suit!
Jason: It grazed my arm.
Eugene: Did you get shot?
Jason: I’m a little shot.
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Eugene Meltsner: Of course! Don't allow the facts to get in the way of your opinion!
—“Naturally, I Assumed...” -
Jellyfish: Rodney and me were just taking a stroll through the woods. What were you doin'?
Butch: You know, strollin'. Just like you!
Jellyfish: Just like me, eh, Butchy? I think you have some explaining to do. And if I were you, I'd tell us everything.
—“Gathering Thunder” -
Connie Kendall: I had one guy take a pamphlet so he could tear it up in front of me — right in front of my face! I wanted to punch him, but... thought it wouldn't be a very good witness.
—“Go Ye Therefore” -
Bart Rathbone: The mics and the earpieces are so small, they're nearly indefectible.
Aubrey Shepard: You mean, indetectable.
Bart Rathbone: Yeah, that, too.
—“Blind Girl's Bluff” -
Eugene [leaving a movie theatre]: I’m merely stating that given that the film was based on a Jules Verne novel, they could pay at least cursory attention to scientific plausibility.
Katrina: I believe it’s meant for children, Eugene.
Eugene: Precisely. You wouldn’t want them to go through life with a distorted understanding of physics.
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John Whittaker: Every time you're tempted to do something bad, I'll be the one who tries to talk you out of it.
Jimmy Barclay: Oh, yeah, like in the cartoons. Only, there's supposed to be a good guy on one shoulder, and a bad guy on the other.
John Whittaker: You don't need a bad guy. You do all right by yourself.
—“Into Temptation” -
Katrina Shanks: Now, would you care to explain to me what that tirade was all about?
Connie Kendall: Tirade... it was nothing. Lines from a play I'm working on. It's called, "The Large Foot Pushed Deep into the Mouth."
—“Naturally, I Assumed...” -
Courtney Vincent: Sorry we're late Connie. We would have been here sooner but someone lost her cane.
Jenny Roberts: I didn't lose it. My brother was using it to play pool.
—“Three Funerals and a Wedding, Part 2” -
Connie Kendall: It's not that bad, Eugene.
Eugene Meltsner: Precisely what they told General Custer on the ride to Little Bighorn. It's bad enough! It hit a tree, a taillight's broken! How could this have happened? I'm sure I set the parking brake!
John Whittaker: ...Oh, boy.
Eugene Meltsner: "Oh boy," Mr. Whittaker? There's sub-text in that phrase, I'm certain of it!
John Whittaker: Well, the parking brake doesn't work. That's one of the quirks. You have to leave it in gear to keep it from rolling.
—“Two Friends and a Truck” -
Todd: Where'd you learn to drive?
Aubrey Shepard: I drove a lawn tractor at the Timothy Center.
—“Under the Influence, Part 2” -
Robert Mitchell: I’m Mitch, by the way. What’s your name?
Connie Kendall: Mitch... I mean, Connie!
—“Green Eyes and Yellow Tulips” -
Liz Horton: So, what are you good at?
Wooton Bassett: Well, I'm glad you asked! Hand me that pair of tongs!
—“For Trying Out Loud” -
Eugene Mumford: We talked it over. Me, and Junior, and Hank, wanna play those three guys, uh... Poolrack, Toolshed, and a Billy Goat.
—“V.B.S. Blues” -
Oscar Peterson: Or the time you told him you had a rare tropical disease?
Curt Stevens: I should have used a different colored magic marker.
—“Front Page News” -
Connie Kendall: My name, Constance, means "firmness of mind." Fits, huh?
John Whittaker: Uh... yeah.
—“Hallowed Be Thy Name” -
James Wakefield: Indulging it will only hurt him. It could send him over the edge!
Connie Kendall: I think he's pretty close to the edge already.
—“The Mysterious Stranger, Part 2” -
John Whittaker: You'll get more protection out of a deodorant spray than from that silly good luck charm!
—“Gotcha!” -
Connie Kendall: No offense, but, uh... are you trying to kill us?!
John Whittaker: Oh, I'm sorry, Connie! I saw him! He was hitchhiking on the side of the road back there!
Connie Kendall: Well, I don't see anyone!
John Whittaker: I'm sure I saw him—as clearly as I'm seeing you right now!
Connie Kendall: ...Are you seeing me clearly right now? How many fingers am I holding up?
—“Malachi's Message, Part 1” -
Whit [answering the door]: Monty, what are you doing here? You know you’re not supposed to leave the hospital. You’re still recovering from the coma.
Monty: What recovery? I’m back 100%, knock wood.
Monty [knocks on wooden door]: Come in.
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Jason [on an unofficial mission]: We’re going to be on camera the moment we set foot in there.
Eugene: But remember my plan where we don’t.
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Brenda: Oh, we need to shoot the sheriff too!
Mandy Straussberg: What about the deputy?
Brenda: I don't think we should shoot the deputy.
—“The Spy Who Bugged Me” -
Connie Kendall: Sounds like Jeremy's getting himself in pretty deep. I think I know how this is going to turn out, too.
John Whittaker: Well, maybe you do, maybe you don't. The only way to find out is to keep reading.
—“The Tangled Web” -
Lawrence Hodges: No, Jimmy. I'm sorry, but I completely disagree with you. The regular fries are just not as tasty as the crinkle cut.
Jimmy Barclay: You're crazy! They're the exact same thing, just- just in different shapes!
Lawrence Hodges: You just look at the package of crinkle cut fries. Check out the ingredients. You know what's in the list that's not in the list of regular fries?
Jimmy Barclay: What?
Lawrence Hodges: Sodium acid pyrophosphate! And that makes all the difference!
—“And the Glory”