Quotes - Mega Feed
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Tom Riley: Mr. Glossman has a lot of bright ideas on how to modernize this city so it can make more money. But there's some of us here who like the old things, Mr. Whittaker, who don't want our town to become all chrome and glass, and your wife was one of those people.
—“Recollections” -
Richard Hudson: You are grounded, and I mean grounded! No phone, no nothing!
—“A Different Kind of Peer Pressure” -
Connie: God doesn't make mistakes.
Nick: Mmm, I don't know. Putting testicles on the outside didn't seem like such a good idea. -
Simeon: Do not grieve for him, Connie. He found the peace and hope you and I know.
Eugene Meltsner: Even though it means death?
Simeon: My son, he found a reason to live that was worth dying for.
—“The Star, Part 2” -
Walter Shakespeare: Help! Get your oily tentacles off of me. Help! Ed, it's got me! The rumors are true!! The rumors are-!
—“Terror from the Skies” -
Tom Riley: There's a... hole in the bottom of the sea!
Jessie Morales: Hey!
Robyn Jacobs: Don't even THINK about it, Jessie.
—“All's Well With Boswell” -
Eugene Meltsner: This is curious.
John Whittaker: What is it?
Eugene Meltsner: It looks like a thistle bush, but I've never thought of a thistle bush as a sign of suffering—unless you fall into one.
—“The Search for Whit, Part 3” -
Richard Maxwell: Well, do I get a kiss good night?
Donna Barclay: Get lost, Richard!
—“An Encounter with Mrs. Hooper” -
Jules: Connie, there's a stranger in our back yard.
Connie: Who is it?
Jules: You do know what stranger means, don't you? -
John Whittaker: Really, Eugene, you've been reading too many detective stories.
Eugene Meltsner: I don't read them at all!
John Whittaker: Maybe you should. Then you wouldn't come up with such silly ideas. What are you going to do next, set up bear traps?
Eugene Meltsner: Well, as a matter of fact, I—
John Whittaker: And you, Connie, crawling around like Rambo through the house plants—in camouflage grease-paint!
—“Suspicious Minds” -
Bernard: Do you really think I’d ruin Whit’s milestone birthday?
Connie: Milestone? He’s 88.
Bernard: Right. After 80 every year without a headstone is a milestone.
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Jillian: I just learned that baked Alaska can be made locally.
Jason: Jillian, I have an even bigger scoop for you. Mars bars are made right here on Earth.
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David Harley: Oh, hi, Whit! Caught this suspect committing a 414.
John Whittaker: What's a 414?
David Harley: Grand Theft Mozzarella!
—“Addictions Can Be Habit-Forming” -
Tom Riley: That’s about the biggest chicken I have ever seen.
John Whittaker: Yeah, or is it a turkey?
—“Pranks for the Memories” -
Katrina Shanks: Eugene, Connie thinks a kiss hello would be appropriate behavior.
Eugene Meltsner: Connie wants me to kiss her hello?
Katrina Shanks: No, me.
Eugene Meltsner: She wants you to kiss her hello?
Katrina Shanks: No, Eugene.
Eugene Meltsner: We should all kiss hello? One big, sloppy smooch fest?
Bernard Walton: Well, when you put it like that...
—“Wrapped Around Your Finger” -
Annie McNeal: I don’t like it back here. It smells bad.
Tommy: It’s an alley — it’s supposed to smell bad.
—“The Day After Christmas” -
Connie Kendall: Yeah, but you're different. You can hug a computer and feel loved. Most people can't do that. Actually, nobody else can do that.
—“Idol Minds” -
Brenda: If I go back now and tell him the truth, he'll think I'm a liar.
Connie: Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to tell a fib. -
Penny: I have a question for you, strictly hypothetical. Let’s say a man wants to take you out on a date.
Connie: Why is that hypothetical?
Penny: Check your calendar.
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Richard: So I’m just supposed to forgive Dr. Blackgaard?!
Whit: We are pretty big on forgiveness here.
Richard: Well, can you recommend a church that’s big on revenge? Because I want to go there.
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Wooton Bassett: Step right up to Wooton the weight guesser! If I get it right, you'll be amazed... so will I... if I get it wrong, you win a prize!
—“The Mailman Cometh” -
Dale Jacobs: Congratulations, Rusty.
Rusty Gordon: Thanks. And thank you all. Because without you, there would've been no one to clap for me.
—“The Fundamentals” -
Borealis Walton: I'll sic the dogs on him!
Bernard Walton: We don't have any dogs.
Borealis Walton: Then I'll sic the cat on him!
—“Feud for Thought” -
Bernard Walton: All those brains, he doesn't have the sense God gave a rabbit.
—“Last in a Long Line” -
Nathaniel Graham: Can't we continue our debate like two adults?
Eugene Meltsner: We could, but we're one adult short.
Nathaniel Graham: How droll.
—“The Tower” -
Traci Mulligan: Well, Winona, it looks like it's just you and me, girl. Oh sure, come on up. Oh, and pass the mashed potatoes, will you please. No, no—oh. Actually, I was hoping you'd pass them in the bowl. N-no, I'll get the gravy myself. No, really, but thanks.
—“Leap of Faith” -
David Harley: Freeze! Police! Back away slowly, go for the cheese and you'll have it!
—“Addictions Can Be Habit-Forming” -
Sam Johnson: You're throwing away your Disney Read-A-Long records? You think they're impure?
Isaac Morton: I don't know. Better safe than sorry, I figure.
Sam Johnson: Bambi?!
Isaac Morton: Who knows how this stuff might influence me at weak moments.
—“Isaac the Pure” -
Connie Kendall: Hey, did ya have a good trip? We got your postcard from Germany, and Belgium and London and Paris and Rome and..
Jason Whittaker: Oh, I had a great summer. Just what I needed to satisfy my traveling bug.
Connie Kendall: I should hope so. Europe, Russia, China.
Jason Whittaker: You gotta do it sometime Connie. You gotta tour the world.
Connie Kendall: Right, well you buy and I'll fly.
—“For Whom the Wedding Bells Toll, Part 1” -
Eugene Meltsner: He eats people and their multi-million dollar contracts for lunch, and then uses someone like me as a tooth pick!
Katrina Shanks: Huh?
Eugene Meltsner: I am not your father!
—“Malachi's Message, Part 2” -
Alex Jefferson: Are you crazy? Come back here! We could get arrested or shot or something!
Cal Jordan: Cool!
—“Red Herring” -
Lisa Mulligan: So do either of you two like animals?
Janelle Mulligan: It depends on how they are cooked.
—“Viva La Difference” -
John Whittaker: Hey—instead of taking the bus, let's walk back to Whit's End. Whaddya say?
Eugene Meltsner: Are you sure, Mr. Whittaker? That's quite a distance for a man of your—
John Whittaker: Uh, careful, careful.
Eugene Meltsner: Uh... social position.
—“The Battle, Part 1” -
Nathaniel Graham: Can't we continue our debate like two adults?
Eugene Meltsner: We could, but we're one adult short.
Nathaniel Graham: How droll.
—“The Tower” -
Bart Rathbone: Look, I know you think you understand what you thought you heard me say, but what you thought you heard me say was certainly not what you thought I meant.
—“Family Values” -
Rodney Rathbone: Duck! There's Tom Riley! <tires screech>
Rodney Rathbone: Why'd you duck?
Doris Rathbone: You said to duck!
—“The Other Woman” -
Jason Whittaker: Wow! Look at all these kids.
Jack Allen: Yeah, there's been a line to play your video game all day long.
Jason Whittaker: Oh, that's great! You know, I'm thinking about bringing out some more. I could do the whole Old Testament in video games. Set it up in chronological order. You know, David and Goliath, Jonah...
—“Red Wagons and Pink Flamingos” -
Kelly: Picnics in the rain are fun.
Ed Washington: No...they’re not. They’re just...wet.
—“License to Deprive” -
Jules: How come Wooton gets to use your car?
Connie: Because he brings it back.
Jules: Oh, so now there are rules?
Connie: More just common courtesies like not driving my car out of town, or not running my car out of gas while you’re out of town, or not having my car towed by the police somewhere even farther out of town.
Jules: Like I’m the one who didn’t put enough gas in it.
Connie: Yeah, I shoulda thought of that before I let you take my car without asking.
Jules: Fine! Can I borrow your car that time?
Connie: No
Jules: See? That’s why I don’t ask.
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Connie: Maybe people get a little put off by your vocabulary.
Eugene: You mean intimidated by my vocabulary?
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Connie Kendall: What do you think they're up to?
Eugene Meltsner: Ah, establishing a plausible and rational explanation to this mystery. I hope.
Jack Allen: If they can.
Connie Kendall: Jack, you're beginning to sound like you believe he's really an angel.
—“Malachi's Message, Part 2” -
Jack: In business there are only two choices: lower your expenses or increase your revenue.
Bart: You are completely overlooking bankruptcy and insurance fraud.
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Connie Kendall: Sometimes you make a lot of sense, Eugene.
Eugene Meltsner: Sometimes???
—“Let This Mind Be in You” -
Paul Revere: You must both leave for safety at once!
John Hancock: Safety? Not while there's a breath left in my body! Bring me my sword!
Sam Adams: Hancock, we've been over this a thousand times! You cannot go into battle! You're too valuable to us elsewhere!
John Hancock: I shall go into battle and none shall say me nay! Where's my gun and my boots?
—“The Midnight Ride” -
Jeff: So, what kind of poison is the cafeteria serving today?
Bobby Novak: I can't tell. It smells like my dad's sneakers.
Jeff: Let me see. Is meat supposed to be green? And what are those little round purple things supposed to be?
Bobby Novak: Look, Jeff. I have to eat this stuff! I don't want to think about it.
—“Bobby's Valentine” -
Aubrey Shepard: He bit me, and I bit him!
—“The Lyin' Tale”Aubrey Shepard: When I open this garbage can lid, anything can happen.
—“The Lyin' Tale”
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Bart Rathbone: <on TV> It's like I've always said, Abby. The poor have got to eat, too.
Connie Kendall: Like you've always said?!
—“Rewards in Full” -
Connie Kendall: I have all the time I need to do the things I have to do. In fact the only thing wasting my time right now is Y-O-U. So if you'll excuse me, I have work to do.
Eugene Meltsner: Y-O-U?
Connie Kendall: YOU, EUGENE!!
—“The 'No' Factor”