Quotes - Mega Feed

Connie Kendall: No offense, but, uh... are you trying to kill us?!
John Whittaker: Oh, I'm sorry, Connie! I saw him! He was hitchhiking on the side of the road back there!
Connie Kendall: Well, I don't see anyone!
John Whittaker: I'm sure I saw him—as clearly as I'm seeing you right now!
Connie Kendall: ...Are you seeing me clearly right now? How many fingers am I holding up?
—“Malachi's Message, Part 1”

Lindy: Who says I'm running away?
Connie Kendall: Just call me Sherlock Holmes.
—“Black Clouds”

Silas Van Kreeft: Well, wipe my nose!
—“The Ill-Gotten Deed”

Brenda: Oh, we need to shoot the sheriff too!
Mandy Straussberg: What about the deputy?
Brenda: I don't think we should shoot the deputy.
—“The Spy Who Bugged Me”

Connie Kendall: Sounds like Jeremy's getting himself in pretty deep. I think I know how this is going to turn out, too.
John Whittaker: Well, maybe you do, maybe you don't. The only way to find out is to keep reading.
—“The Tangled Web”

Josiah: Master, I want to be a son of light.
—“The Imagination Station, Revisited, Part 1”

Connie: Here you go, guys, the perfect after dinner treat: a nice dish of Jell-O.
Bernard: I hate Jell-O. If God wanted peaches suspended in mid-air he would've filled them with helium.

Connie: This watch is broken.
June: Bill gave me that watch for our wedding anniversary.
Connie: Well the marriage never worked, why should the watch?

Bernard: I always wondered why blessings wore disguises. If I were a blessing, I'd run around naked.

Lawrence Hodges: No, Jimmy. I'm sorry, but I completely disagree with you. The regular fries are just not as tasty as the crinkle cut.
Jimmy Barclay: You're crazy! They're the exact same thing, just- just in different shapes!
Lawrence Hodges: You just look at the package of crinkle cut fries. Check out the ingredients. You know what's in the list that's not in the list of regular fries?
Jimmy Barclay: What?
Lawrence Hodges: Sodium acid pyrophosphate! And that makes all the difference!
—“And the Glory”

Wooton: Back in Alaska, there was this shepherd boy who tended his flock on the hill above the town. A wolf kept coming down and stealing his sheep, but the boy never caught him doing it. Because he never saw it happening, he became known around town as the boy who *didn't* cry wolf. Anyway, one day the townspeople heard the boy on the hill yelling "Wolf, wolf." Well, they all figured, if the boy never cried "Wolf" when the wolf *was* there, if he yelled "Wolf" now, it stood to reason the wolf *wasn't* there.
Bernard: Boy, nothing gets by you people.
Wooton: That's right. It was a bear. A huge ferocious grizzly bear.
Bernard: [impatiently] What happened to the boy?
Wooton: He became known as the boy who cried continuously.

Eugene: You're not going to believe what happened. I met my father!
Whit: He's alive?
Connie: He's in Odyssey?
Bernard: He's an earthling?

Eugene: Bernard, I said I was sorry.
Bernard: The least you can do when we're gonna see a movie is say it's a foreign film.
Eugene: What's the big deal?
Bernard: I had to stand in front of the screen just to read the subtitles and all that running back and forth to complete a sentence almost killed me!

Whit: I don't really mind Randall being homosexual, I just don't like him dating men.
Ms. Adelaide: You really haven't grasped the concept of this gay thing yet, have you?
Whit: There must be homosexuals who date women?
Ms. Adelaide: Yeah, they're called lesbians.

Charles Thompson: Mom, I can't sleep!
Maureen Thompson: Count sheep.
Charles Thompson: I can't count sheep. It makes me hungry.
Maureen Thompson: Count horses!
Charles Thompson: But Mom...
Maureen Thompson: Good night, Charles!
—“Pipe Dreams”

John Whittaker: Then you leave me no choice but to exercise my right as a citizen and pursue this case until justice is done!
—“The Case of the Secret Room, Part 2”

Rodney Rathbone: Are you crazy?
Richard Maxwell: Yes! Now get out of here!
—“Another Chance”

Jason Whittaker: My faith should be the center of my life. It isn't always, but it should be. It's supposed to get in the way of everything I do, everything that I am.
—“A Question About Tasha”

Connie Kendall: You still have feelings for him, don't you? But you said you were over your hurt!
June Kendall: No, no, I said I was over my anger. When you've loved someone, the hurt never really goes away.
—“Father's Day”

Bart Rathbone: Shoppers! Don't forget about the Electric Palace's half-off rebate program! Just bring back your receipt whenever the second Tuesday of the month falls on the fifteenth!
—“Prequels of Love”

Connie Kendall: Hi Whit, sorry I'm late!
—“Rumor Has It”

Aubrey Shepard: No. This has to stop!
Ellen Shepard: Oh, Aubrey!
Aubrey Shepard: But Mom, Belinda almost sat on Blieble. She can't have every chair!
—“Bethany's Imaginary Friend”

John Whittaker: Do you remember what I told you when you stopped smoking? Who tempts people to sin?
Nick Mulligan: Satan.
John Whittaker: Well, is that the role you want to play in someone's life?
—“The Bad Guy”

Jimmy Barclay: We should have a big and bountiful feast to celebrate!
Donna Barclay: Yes, we should.
Jimmy Barclay: Good, now go fix it.
Mary Barclay: Some things haven't changed.
—“Thanksgiving at Home”

Artie Powell: Was he my age?
Bernard Walton: Are you 17?
Artie Powell: No.
Bernard Walton: Then he wasn't your age!
—“Bernard and Joseph, Part 1”

Connie Kendall: So, uh, how do you guys know each other?
Jason Whittaker: Well, we're friends who used to work together.
Connie Kendall: Oh, where was that?
Jason Whittaker: Oh, it was at, the, uh—
Tasha Forbes: Oh, uh, boring government work. We were both analysts. You know, white lab coats and pages and pages of manuals.
Connie Kendall: Uh, huh.
Eugene Meltsner: Sounds fascinating!
—“Love is in the Air, Part 1”

Tasha Forbes: Remember I told you that "T" in TA418 stands for Tasha?
Jason Whittaker: Yeah?
Tasha Forbes: Well, the "A" stands for Avery.
—“A Name, Not a Number, Part 2”

Elaine Washington: What if you'd gotten hurt, or—I don't know, mugged?
Kelly: We live on Sesame Street. Who is gonna mug me?
—“Chip Off the Shoulder”

Ethel: The bathroom's right back there. You need change?
Lindy: Change?
Ethel: It's a quarter to get in.
—“Black Clouds”

Herbert: What'sa matter, kid? What happens at three thirty? You turn into a pumpkin or somethin'?
Jimmy Barclay: No, not a pumpkin — dead meat. Three thirty is when my dad gets home.
—“The Prodigal, Jimmy”

Eugene Meltsner: I felt... chosen.
—“The Chosen One, Part 2”

Tom Riley: That's 'Rinsodent', available at fine grocery stores everywhere! <off-mike> Whit, we only have one grocery store!
—“The Big Broadcast”

Perry Browning: I'm here to give you some very important news, and I thought that you should be the first to know, Miss Kendall!
Connie Kendall: Me? That's never happened before.
—“Suspicious Finds”

Jimmy Barclay: Wow! What is that?
John Whittaker: Nothing right now. Maybe you should ask what it's going to be.
Jimmy Barclay: All right. What's it going to be?
John Whittaker: A vending machine.
Jimmy Barclay: A vending machine? You mean for Cokes and candy bars and stuff like that?
John Whittaker: Nope. For prayers.
—“And When You Pray...”

Dylan Taylor: For a second there, we thought that we were in big trouble.
Eugene Meltsner: Let me assure you both, you are in big trouble!
—“The Last Days of Eugene Meltsner”

Mrs. Rossini: How many cats do you see here?
Annie McNeal: Um...
Mrs. Rossini: What do you need, a calculator?
Annie McNeal: Seven, okay?
—“The Day After Christmas”

Patrick: Am I a piece of meat that you think you can simply pass around?!
Mieclu: In fact boy, you are.
—“Patrick: A Heart Afire, Part 1”

John Whittaker: But you also need to know that all your studying may fail you when it comes to understanding God, His ways and the salvation he offers us.
Eugene Meltsner: Fail me?
John Whittaker: The Apostle Paul wrote in his first letter to Corinth that God has made the wisdom of this world look foolish, for it was after the world in its wisdom had failed to know God that He in His wisdom chose to save all who would believe by the simple-mindedness of the gospel message.
Eugene Meltsner: Well, that certainly would explain some of the things that don't seem to make sense.
John Whittaker: You see, Eugene, our minds can only grasp so much about the nature of God, of eternity.
Eugene Meltsner: Mm-hmm.
John Whittaker: After that, it’s a matter of the spirit—our spirit links up with His in an eternal relationship that gives us the right perspective to understand Him better.
—“Thy Kingdom Come”

Mr. Worldly-Wise: Might I offer you a bit of sage counsel?
Christian: Sage counsel?
Mr. Worldly-Wise: Advice.
—“Pilgrim's Progress Revisited, Part 1”

Horace Higgenbotham: Wow! If he were alive today, he'd be dead!
—“A Single Vote”

Doris Rathbone: Nice man. Shame about that haircut, though — whew!
—“The One About Trust, Part 1”

Horatio G. Spafford: I tell you, Philip, dealing with bureaucracy is no picnic!
Philip Bliss: Yes, it must be very difficult having all that money.
—“It Is Well”

Tom Riley: Mr. Glossman has a lot of bright ideas on how to modernize this city so it can make more money. But there's some of us here who like the old things, Mr. Whittaker, who don't want our town to become all chrome and glass, and your wife was one of those people.
—“Recollections”

Richard Hudson: You are grounded, and I mean grounded! No phone, no nothing!
—“A Different Kind of Peer Pressure”

John Whittaker: Use your imagination, and anything can happen!
—“500”

Simeon: Do not grieve for him, Connie. He found the peace and hope you and I know.
Eugene Meltsner: Even though it means death?
Simeon: My son, he found a reason to live that was worth dying for.
—“The Star, Part 2”

Walter Shakespeare: Help! Get your oily tentacles off of me. Help! Ed, it's got me! The rumors are true!! The rumors are-!
—“Terror from the Skies”

Tom Riley: There's a... hole in the bottom of the sea!
Jessie Morales: Hey!
Robyn Jacobs: Don't even THINK about it, Jessie.
—“All's Well With Boswell”

Eugene Meltsner: This is curious.
John Whittaker: What is it?
Eugene Meltsner: It looks like a thistle bush, but I've never thought of a thistle bush as a sign of suffering—unless you fall into one.
—“The Search for Whit, Part 3”

Richard Maxwell: Well, do I get a kiss good night?
Donna Barclay: Get lost, Richard!
—“An Encounter with Mrs. Hooper”

John Whittaker: Really, Eugene, you've been reading too many detective stories.
Eugene Meltsner: I don't read them at all!
John Whittaker: Maybe you should. Then you wouldn't come up with such silly ideas. What are you going to do next, set up bear traps?
Eugene Meltsner: Well, as a matter of fact, I—
John Whittaker: And you, Connie, crawling around like Rambo through the house plants—in camouflage grease-paint!
—“Suspicious Minds”

Isaac Morton: You know, dad, we live in a real den of impurity.
—“Isaac the Pure”

Jana Whittaker-Dowd: It [the bird alarm clock] sounds like a dying moose!
—“Silent Night”

David Harley: Oh, hi, Whit! Caught this suspect committing a 414.
John Whittaker: What's a 414?
David Harley: Grand Theft Mozzarella!
—“Addictions Can Be Habit-Forming”

Tom Riley: That’s about the biggest chicken I have ever seen.
John Whittaker: Yeah, or is it a turkey?
—“Pranks for the Memories”

Katrina Shanks: Eugene, Connie thinks a kiss hello would be appropriate behavior.
Eugene Meltsner: Connie wants me to kiss her hello?
Katrina Shanks: No, me.
Eugene Meltsner: She wants you to kiss her hello?
Katrina Shanks: No, Eugene.
Eugene Meltsner: We should all kiss hello? One big, sloppy smooch fest?
Bernard Walton: Well, when you put it like that...
—“Wrapped Around Your Finger”

Regis Blackgaard: Mwahahaha!
—“500”

Annie McNeal: I don’t like it back here. It smells bad.
Tommy: It’s an alley — it’s supposed to smell bad.
—“The Day After Christmas”

Connie Kendall: Yeah, but you're different. You can hug a computer and feel loved. Most people can't do that. Actually, nobody else can do that.
—“Idol Minds”

Wooton Bassett: Step right up to Wooton the weight guesser! If I get it right, you'll be amazed... so will I... if I get it wrong, you win a prize!
—“The Mailman Cometh”

Dale Jacobs: Congratulations, Rusty.
Rusty Gordon: Thanks. And thank you all. Because without you, there would've been no one to clap for me.
—“The Fundamentals”

Borealis Walton: I'll sic the dogs on him!
Bernard Walton: We don't have any dogs.
Borealis Walton: Then I'll sic the cat on him!
—“Feud for Thought”

Bernard Walton: All those brains, he doesn't have the sense God gave a rabbit.
—“Last in a Long Line”

Nathaniel Graham: Can't we continue our debate like two adults?
Eugene Meltsner: We could, but we're one adult short.
Nathaniel Graham: How droll.
—“The Tower”

Traci Mulligan: Well, Winona, it looks like it's just you and me, girl. Oh sure, come on up. Oh, and pass the mashed potatoes, will you please. No, no—oh. Actually, I was hoping you'd pass them in the bowl. N-no, I'll get the gravy myself. No, really, but thanks.
—“Leap of Faith”

David Harley: Freeze! Police! Back away slowly, go for the cheese and you'll have it!
—“Addictions Can Be Habit-Forming”

Sam Johnson: You're throwing away your Disney Read-A-Long records? You think they're impure?
Isaac Morton: I don't know. Better safe than sorry, I figure.
Sam Johnson: Bambi?!
Isaac Morton: Who knows how this stuff might influence me at weak moments.
—“Isaac the Pure”

Connie Kendall: Hey, did ya have a good trip? We got your postcard from Germany, and Belgium and London and Paris and Rome and..
Jason Whittaker: Oh, I had a great summer. Just what I needed to satisfy my traveling bug.
Connie Kendall: I should hope so. Europe, Russia, China.
Jason Whittaker: You gotta do it sometime Connie. You gotta tour the world.
Connie Kendall: Right, well you buy and I'll fly.
—“For Whom the Wedding Bells Toll, Part 1”