Quotes - Mega Feed
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Eugene Meltsner: Oh, is that Woody over there? He certainly is an attractive animal. A large attractive animal.
Graham Barnett: It's a pig. Pigs are ugly.
Eugene Meltsner: Well, perhaps not to another pig.
—“Second Thoughts” -
Greg O Neil: If you don't stop changing my stations, I'm gonna call the exterminator!
—“Fifteen Minutes” -
Greg O Neil: If you don't stop changing my stations, I'm gonna call the exterminator!
—“Fifteen Minutes” -
Jared DeWhite: I'm the vanguard of justice around here, and Rodney's the one who needs van-guarding!
—“A Case of Revenge” -
Eugene Meltsner: Mr. Whittaker and I are having a theological discussion about God's search for man.
—“Hide and Seek” -
Bernard Walton: Minutes ticked by slowly. My life flashed before my eyes. Eh... pretty boring.
—“The Conscientious Cross-Guard” -
John Whittaker: That's my cell phone.
Connie Kendall: Sorry, that's mine. Excuse me.
John Whittaker: It's Eugene.
Connie Kendall: Mine's...oh, I don't know who it is.
John Whittaker: Hello?
Oliver Drevil: Don't mind me!
John Whittaker: Hi Eugene!
Connie Kendall: Oh, hi Veronica!
—“The Mystery of the Clock Tower, Part 2” -
Jack Allen: Odyssey Coyotes, meet your new coach.
Connie Kendall: Hi, everybody!
—“The Secret Weapon” -
Jules Kendall: (hesitant) Okay, I mean I get to open for Jet Ballentine, I love Jet Ballentine.
Trista: Which is great because there is something else you should know.
Jules Kendall: And what's that?
Trista: You're dating him!
Jules Kendall: Ehh, what?
—“California Dreams, Part 1” -
Matthew Parker: But what if something worse happens?
Stephen: That would be glory.
—“The Perfect Church, Part 2” -
Tom Riley: No, I am serious. You're messing around with somethin' you don't have no business with.
John Whittaker: It's only the Imagination Station.
Tom Riley: I don't care what it is. You said the whole thing seemed realer than real. And that's what makes it so dangerous. Look, you know that Jesus took the sting out of death. Death is our doorway to God. But it's not something we should want or try to create! It's a locked door until God and God alone opens it for us!
—“The Mortal Coil, Part 1” -
John Whittaker: The boy thought that loving the puppy meant giving him what he wanted, but in this case the most loving thing was to give him what he needed whether he liked it or not. It was the little boy's job to recognize the hidden danger the puppy couldn't understand.
—“A Member of the Family, Part 1” -
Olivia Parker: Black pudding?!
Charlotte Maria: Oh, yes, it's a delicious blood sausage!
Matthew Parker: I didn't know English people were cannibals! No wonder George Washington threw you out of the country!
—“An Agreeable Nanny” -
Heather: He was probably a nice guy.
Julie Zeeke: He didn't deserve better because he was nice. He deserved it because he was a person.
Heather: Well there's nothing we can do about it now.
Julie Zeeke: Yes, there is.
—“A Lesson From Mike” -
Bart: Hey I’ve got an idea for improving the town.
Bernard: You’re moving?
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Connie Kendall: Oh Whit! I'm sorry I'm not on time. I wanted to be. Especially on my first day back and everything... He's not here.
Lucy Cunningham-Schultz: No, he's not.
Connie Kendall: Lucy! You scared me!
—“The Sacred Trust” -
Chris Anthony: Y-you talked!
Lincoln Monument: I know. It's amazing what you can do on radio, isn't it?
—“A Single Vote” -
Connie Kendall: Well I don't know about the law, but you broke something here.
—“The Ties That Bind, Part 14” -
Jason Whittaker: Say, does this town of yours have a name?
Unknown: I guess you could call it... a ghost town.
—“The Ties That Bind, Part 2” -
Marvin Washington: Trent, you may very well be walking in the presence of the future fundraising champ of Odyssey Middle School!
Trent DeWhite: Wow. Y'know, I think I'm getting goosebumps.
—“The Nudge” -
Chris Anthony: You know, there are two great things about shopping in a store in Odyssey. One is the bargains that you get here. And the other is the fact that they play really great music over the speakers. <theme begins> See what I mean?
—“Honor Thy Parents” -
Sue: That's it? No bazookas or poison pills, or satellite dishes?
Jason Whittaker: Eh, sorry. Those were all in the suitcase you ditched.
—“The Labyrinth, Part 2” -
Wooton Bassett: Connie! Connie, I really need your help real bad!! <calm> Oh, hi Matthew. How are you?
Matthew Parker: Hi, Wooton.
Wooton Bassett: Hi! <frantic again> Oh, Connie, Connie, listen! Penny is lost in the Hall of Mirrors! I can hear her in there, but I can't find her!!! You gotta help!! Oh, come on, come on, its this way...uh...maybe its over here, I don't know. Oh, come with me either way! Come on!
—“The Green Ring Conspiracy, Part 6” -
Connie Kendall: Whit was wounded at Guadalcanal. Were you there?
Joe Finneman: Uh huh. For three months.
—“The War Hero” -
Narrator: And somewhere deep down in the wholesomeness of Sir Buddy's smiling being the arose an ethereal chorus of voices singing...
Singers: Zoooooooooeee...
—“Sir Buddy's Snowy Day” -
Eugene Meltsner: Apparently without my knowledge, the definition of fun has merged with the definition of insanity! <whimpering> I'm in.
—“The Top Floor, Part 1” -
Donna Barclay: Good thing those people from this morning aren't still here. After Jimmy ruined the silverware in the dishwasher, we only have four complete settings left.
Jimmy Barclay: Why do you care about silverware - you eat with your fingers!
—“The Visitors” -
Connie: Penny, for half an hour you’ve been decorating this house and humming Jingle Bells and yelling ‘hey!’ Now why do you do that?
Penny: Because it’s too hard to hum the 'hey’ part. -
Wooton Bassett: According to my calculations I've told seven half truths today and that equals three and a half lies.
—“Nothing But the Half Truth” -
Old Judge: The Unseen One is the creator and sustainer of all things; he is everywhere at all times: all-seeing, all-knowing, all powerful.
Anna: Like God.
Old Judge: No, not like God; the Unseen One is God.
—“Passages: Darien's Rise, Part 3” -
Eugene Meltsner: You're playing well, Katrina.
Katrina Shanks: You're not so bad yourself.
—“Truth, Trivia and 'Trina” -
Wooton Bassett: Connie is there anything I can do for you? You know, coordinate food, arrange chairs, prepare an igloo?
Connie Kendall: Not right now, but I- An igloo?
Wooton Bassett: It's a tradition in Alaska.
—“Life Expectancy, Part 1” -
Aubrey Shepard: You're just a computer program.
Regis Blackgaard: Ah, but I'm a program that knows the truth. What is that saying? The truth shall set you free. I want to set you free, Aubrey.
—“Blackgaard's Revenge, Part 1” -
Richard Maxwell: Well, do I get a kiss good night?
Donna Barclay: Get lost, Richard!
—“An Encounter with Mrs. Hooper” -
Lawrence Hodges: They blow up!
John Whittaker: Blow up?!
Jimmy Barclay: Inflate.
—“Treasures of the Heart” -
John Whittaker: Where are you going?
Tony: I was thinking Alaska. Live off moose meat for a while.
—“Chains, Part 2” -
Connie Kendall: I remember the first time my mom left me alone for two days. I was fourteen, and I invited all the—never mind; I wasn't a Christian.
—“The Chosen One, Part 1” -
Richard Maxwell: It’s against my moral code!
Jack: Oh, your morals are not up to code. -
Alex: I’m a digital addict. I diagnosed myself online.
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Trent DeWhite: Wooton, why are you filming up my nostrils?
Marvin Washington: Use the zoom, Wooton!
—“The Coolest Dog” -
Bridget: What is wrong with you?
Jules: Off the top of my head, I’d say low self-esteem, a lack of paternal affection, and a genetic predisposition to anxiety and depression. -
Connie: Don’t you dare call me irrational! You know that makes me crazy.
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Jillian: You’ve been seeing a man?
Connie: Only when I close my eyes and concentrate. -
Sarah: Excuse me, Liz, but I’ve got news for you. Copernicus called and you are NOT the centre of the universe.
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Tom Riley: What does this have to do with my son?
Alice: Timmy and I went to Marus, Mr. Riley. We had an adventure there.
—“Passages: Fletcher's Rebellion, Part 1” -
Jules: This is the fifth time my mother has called today, I really should pick this up.
Bridget: You know what? You should not pick this up, cuz the last thing you need right now is a conversation with a pathological narcissist!
Jules: Okay, you don’t know her, and if I don’t answer, she’s gonna keep calling me. She’s like a stalker I used to live inside of. -
Connie: As John Paul Sartre said, we are our choices, and Jillian’s choices are nuts - I mean, she’s seriously bonker-balls!
Professor: Connie, we don’t use terms like that in abnormal psychology.
Connie: I’m sorry, “bonker-balls” isn’t in the DSM-5 yet? -
John Whittaker: I don’t know what to say!
Jason Whittaker: I do. I look like I have a double chin in that picture. Do I have a double chin?
Connie Kendall: Jason!
—“Accidental Dilemma, Part 1” -
Jay Smouse: Ah, home sweet home. Hello, little Elvis doll.
Elvis Doll: Hey Jay, little buddy. How are ya?
Jay Smouse: Mediocre, as usual… you know.
Elvis Doll: Yeah. Whatcha' got there?
Jay Smouse: A letter. From a boy in Uganda. He writes that he liked my note, and he wants to be friends.
Elvis Doll: Hey, you can mark it "Return To Sender."
Jay Smouse: I actually thought I'd, uh, you know <pause> maybe write him back.
Elvis Doll: Yeah, man. That's alright.
Jay Smouse: But let's… let's keep this to ourselves, okay… little Elvis? No sense in word getting out.
Elvis Doll: Hey, it's hard to live up to an image. I know.
Jay Smouse: Yeah. Exact-a-mundo. Me too. <phone rings>
—“Thirty Jays Hath September” -
Bernard Walton: Can you imagine being related to Eugene? <shudders> I think I'd rather pull out my fingernails with a pair of rusty pliers.
—“Last in a Long Line” -
John Whittaker: Say, who's this handsome young gentleman you've brought with you?
Robyn Jacobs: He's not a handsome gentleman, he's my dad!
Dale Jacobs: Oh, thanks a lot, Robyn!
—“You Go to School Where?” -
George Leonard White: Yes, things are dire, Thomas. But I believe God will not allow us to fail in so great a work. These are mere tests which all who seek to do His work must endure.
—“The Jubilee Singers, Part 3” -
Joe Finneman: Why don't you show a little trust in your own people?
Sam Saburo: Because I'm Japanese. That's why.
—“East Winds, Raining” -
John Whittaker: Your son Craig — he’s funny.
Bill Moorhead: He's no stranger than most boys.
—“The Life of the Party” -
College Jenny Whittaker: John?
College John Whittaker: Hi Jenny... why are you out of breath?
College Jenny Whittaker: I ran most of the way home. I just saw the doctor.
College John Whittaker: Doctor? Why didn't you just tell me-
College Jenny Whittaker: Well, I was feeling nauseous a-and dizzy, so I went. But that's not important. John, you're going to be a father!
—“Great Expectations” -
Brian Headly: <calling roll> Brian Headly? <beat> Oh, <chuckle>, yes, I'm here, too, because I saw myself come in.
—“The Boy Who Didn't Go to Church” -
Katrina Meltsner: There's plenty to be said for getting out of a routine, too, though. The joy of spontaneity!
Eugene Meltsner: Absolutely. Why? Are you bored with me?
Katrina Meltsner: Never. I just had a conversation with Connie about keeping the romance in a relationship.
Eugene Meltsner: Ah, Miss Kendall. Of course. She searches for romance in a bag of trail mix.
—“More Than a Feeling” -
Guy: Come on, I've got a few cents left over! Let's go down to that little place on the corner and split a child's portion, diet-mini-cheeseburger!
Madge: Mmmm!
—“Gifts for Madge and Guy” -
Lisa Mulligan: So do either of you two like animals?
Janelle Mulligan: It depends on how they are cooked.
—“Viva La Difference” -
Eva Parker: Where’s your dad?
David Parker: Run. Run. Go! Yes! Touchdown!!
Kids: <in unison> Watching the game.
—“Un-Tech the Halls” -
Danny Schmidt: I just did something stupid at Jeff's and kind of learned the hard way that my parents were right.
Jack Allen: Well, at least you learned.
—“All the Difference in the World” -
John Whittaker: You'll get more protection out of a deodorant spray than from that silly good luck charm!
—“Gotcha!” -
Lucy Cunningham-Schultz: We also have six shepherds and four wise men. So we'll be giving Jesus gold, frankincense, myrrh, and a pen-and-pencil set!
—“The Living Nativity” -
Wooton Bassett: Oh yeah, county not country. I always get those mixed up, which is why I always go on those weekend trips to Switzerland by accident.
—“Rights, Wrongs, and Winners” -
Wooton Bassett: Well didn't you decide to write this book to show what Odyssey really is? A small town with pleasant people, nice shops, and an unbelievable postal service?
Connie Kendall: Well, about that, I sent a letter across town last month and it took two weeks to get there!
Wooton Bassett: Like I said... unbelievable!!
—“Like Father, Like Wooton” -
John Whittaker: Well, I guess he's not home.
Jami Martin: But somebody is!
—“The Case of the Secret Room, Part 1” -
Rebecca Riley: Tom, if you fall in and drown, I'll never speak to you again!
—“A Matter of Obedience” -
Young John Whittaker: I think we've gotten off on the wrong foot, apart from the one in my mouth. Maybe we should start over. I’m John Avery Whittaker, but my friends call me Whit.
Young Jenny Morrow: I’m Guinevere Morrow. My friends call me Jenny. You can call me Guinevere.
Young John Whittaker: Oh, uh... oh. Guinevere.
—“The Triangle, Part 1” -
Alex Jefferson: He's probably laughing hysterically that we were dumb enough to accept his stupid virus!
—“Plan B, Part 2: Collision Course” -
John Whittaker: Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting? The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
—“Karen” -
John Whittaker: OK, that takes care of the programming. Now to make my interior adjustments. "'Step into my parlor,' said the spider to the fly"...
—“A Prisoner for Christ” -
Alex Jefferson: Connie and Mitch, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i—
Connie Kendall: We were just gonna talk.
Alex Jefferson: Connie and Mitch, sitting in a tree, t-a-l-k-i-n-g.
Connie Kendall: We were not in a tree.
Alex Jefferson: Connie and Mitch, sitting in a booth—
John Whittaker: I think you two better stop now.
Alex Jefferson: We're just practicing our spelling. S-p-l-l, I mean, s-p-i--
—“Broken Window” -
Danny: Connie, I think you've better have a look at this table.
Connie Kendall: Why, what's wrong with it?
Danny: It's wobbly. I don't think it's safe for children my age.
Connie Kendall: You don't think it's safe? What are you going to do, drive it home? You know, I really worry about you kids sometimes.
—“Nothing to Fear” -
Jason Whittaker: This place gives me the creeps!
John Whittaker: As well it should. It's a tunnel of tombs.
Jason Whittaker: Terrific.
—“The Search for Whit, Part 3” -
Jack Allen: You know, when we first started talking about it, I thought we were just having a philosophical debate. I didn't believe you were going to follow up on it.
Jason Whittaker: I get tired of discussing and debating. I like to take action. Why not try some of the things we talk about?
Jack Allen: Because things can't go terribly wrong if we talk.
—“A Touch of Healing, Part 1” -
Robert Mitchell: If you ever do get locked in a trunk, you can kick out the brake lights and wave out the back to signal vehicles behind you.
—“It's All About Me” -
Cal Jordan: Maybe they've all been hypnotized! You know, like that movie.
Alex Jefferson: What movie?
Cal Jordan: You know the one.
Alex Jefferson: No, I don’t.
Cal Jordan: Sure you do—with what’s his name, that guy, and that girl with spiky hair.
Alex Jefferson: You mean the one that carries that... thing around?
Mandy Straussberg: Are you guys talking in code?
Cal Jordan: No! It's that movie where the whole town gets hypnotized! All I'm saying is that this is just like that.
—“The Unraveling” -
Tom Riley: But what about things like free speech?
Bart Rathbone: What about things like that? People can have free speech.
Tom Riley: As long as they agree with you.
Bart Rathbone: Well, yeah. Nobody likes disagreeable people.
—“Tom for Mayor, Part 2” -
Tasha Forbes: Let's take a walk.
Jason Whittaker: Okay...as long as we can stay outside.
Tasha Forbes: Jason! You don't think you can trust me?
—“A Name, Not a Number, Part 2” -
John Whittaker: I can't escape this nagging feeling that... we haven't even seen the worst of it yet.
—“Expect the Worst” -
William Shakespeare: Wilt thou plucketh out mine beard and blow it in mine face? I resenteth thou thine insinuation, poppinjay!
—“B-TV: Compassion” -
Connie Kendall: I guess you could call me a "secret agent" of God's will.
John Whittaker: Uh, oh!
—“Thy Will Be Done” -
Rodney Rathbone: Move, please. Do you know you're a large person and you're in my way?
Mandy Straussberg: Maybe "excuse me" would work better, Rodney.
—“Changing Rodney” -
Bryan Dern: Good morning! Well, it was a good morning until my boss dragged me out’a bed to do double duty as – that's right – your Saturday morning talk show host. It’s me, Cryin’ Bryan Dern, with you... all morning.
—“Tornado!” -
John Whittaker: Hi, can I help you? Well now Connie, this is something different. It's been a long time since I’ve waited on you as a customer.
—“Go Ye Therefore” -
Eugene Meltsner: Dear God: my new Father in heaven; I am uncharacteristically at a loss of words. So please accept my verbal fumblings as I finally respond to Your promptings.
—“The Time Has Come” -
Chilion: I am small in stature, it's true, but... big in heart.
—“Three Funerals and a Wedding, Part 1” -
Proclus: I am Proclus the commander of the Roman Garrison.
King Herod: Yes, yes I know who you are. Welcome. But I was referring to the vision of loveliness standing behind you.
Proclus: This is Connie.
—“The Star, Part 1” -
Leslie: But, the bus pulled up... and the door opened... and... and it was him!
John Whittaker: Who?
Leslie: Our bus driver, Crazy Eddie!
Crazy Eddie: <laughs evilly> Hello, my pretties! Welcome to my weirdsmobile. All aboard! <laughs evilly again>
—“Back to School” -
Connie Kendall: You look terrible.
Tom Riley: Well, thank you. You don't look so bad yourself.
—“The Mortal Coil, Part 2” -
Eugene Meltsner: Happy Holidays, Connie.
Connie Kendall: Merry Christmas, Eugene. I'd hug you too, but I don't have time for the explanation of the process.
—“Peace on Earth” -
Powerboy fan: Mr. Doyle, is it true that you've been drawing Powerboy in secret for the last five years?
Harlow Doyle: It must be true. I just heard it on the radio!
—“Rights, Wrongs, and Winners” -
Bart Rathbone: The mics and the earpieces are so small, they're nearly indefectible.
Aubrey Shepard: You mean, indetectable.
Bart Rathbone: Yeah, that, too.
—“Blind Girl's Bluff” -
Cal Jordan: Come on, the paper bag?
Alex Jefferson: Okay, I guess maybe you can use it to cover his... face.
—“Snow Day” -
Mom: Do you know the difference between an insecure child and an insecure adult?
Stacey: No.
Mom: The insecure adult can vote.
—“The Letter” -
Bart Rathbone: Well, happy greetings everyone! What a beautiful day it is, ain’t it?
Connie Kendall: Well, it used to be.
—“Green Eyes and Yellow Tulips” -
Eugene Meltsner: Be forewarned: I am equipped with a very heavy paperweight -- and I am not afraid to use it!
—“The Perfect Witness, Part 3” -
Sarah Prachett: What do you mean, "shhhh?"
Alex Jefferson: We mean be quiet. Our napkin dispenser might be bugged.
Sarah Prachett: Yup, I knew it would happen sooner or later. Too many video games--turns your brain into macaroni and cheese.
—“Grand Opening, Part 1” -
Charles VanHorn: Look, I drew a dinosaur.
Jared DeWhite: Not bad. Why is he purple?
—“Natural Born Leader” -
Herbert: What’sa matter, kid? What happens at three thirty? You turn into a pumpkin or somethin’?
Jimmy Barclay: No, not a pumpkin — dead meat. Three thirty is when my dad gets home.
—“The Prodigal, Jimmy” -
Eugene Meltsner: I shall be scant inches away should you require my assistance!
Bernard Walton: I require your assistance like I require a third nostril.
—“Deliver Us From Evil” -
Joel: You don't... need to search anymore.
Eugene Meltsner: What do you mean?
Joel: I'm your father. I'm Leonard Meltsner!
—“A Time for Action, Part 2” -
Doris Rathbone: Someone get the number of that truck! Oh, wait. It's you, Eugene.
—“The One About Trust, Part 1” -
Dan Isidro: Whit, I know where Eugene is.
John Whittaker: What? Where?
Dan Isidro: Down there in the arena!
Eugene Meltsner: Mr. Whittaker... HELP!
—“The Cross of Cortes, Part 1” -
Lazarus: Jesus the Christ. Hmm... the Messiah.
Ishod: You would be wise to keep that kind of talk to yourself, Eleazar.
Jeduthun: It would certainly ruin your afternoon to be stoned right here in the streets for blasphemy.
Ishod: If nothing else, it would put your guests off their food!
Lazarus: And peace be with you, rabbis.
—“An Adventure in Bethany, Part 1” -
Bernard Walton: Just remember, God can heal the worst of relationships between brothers and sisters.
Erica Clark: Yeah.
Bernard Walton: Meanwhile, you need to be patient and loving. And the next time Haley does something bad to you, short sheet her bed.
Erica Clark: Really?
Bernard Walton: No. Kid believes anything I tell her.
—“Two Brothers... and Bernard, Part 2” -
Solly Mendelson: The early bird gets the worm...
Irving Greenfarb: ... but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese!
—“True Calling” -
Wooton Bassett: Talia! Breakfast is ready! <banging gong>
Talia Bassett: Really, Uncle Wooton, is all that racket necessary?
Wooton Bassett: Yeah, it's a breakfast gong.
Talia Bassett: A souvenir from overseas?
Wooton Bassett: Nope, Gongs'R'Us.
—“For the Fun of It” -
Jared DeWhite: As the Bible says, why do you care so much about the spam in your brother's eye when you have a hog in your own? Or something like that.
—“Something Cliqued Between Us” -
Brad: Do you wanna be a dummy all your life?
Leonard: Only if I have to.
—“What Are We Gonna Do About Halloween?” -
Dale Jacobs: Marjorie Sadler? Oh, no.
John Whittaker: What's wrong?
Dale Jacobs: Marjorie Sadler has visited my office a number of times. Every week she has a new complaint against somebody. The guys in the newsroom call her "the crank lady". Two weeks ago she said that the Nazis were putting drugs in the city water supply to make us all move to Germany.
Connie Kendall: Uh-oh.
—“Muckraker” -
John Whittaker: When I take a look at someone, I want to see the heart and the spirit. What a person is on the outside doesn't last. But on the inside, there's a soul that goes on forever.
—“Not One of Us”