Quotes - Mega Feed
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Patrick: Am I a piece of meat that you think you can simply pass around?!
Mieclu: In fact boy, you are.
—“Patrick: A Heart Afire, Part 1” -
Sam Johnson: You know it’s times like this when I wish I was a superhero. Then I could catch these guys before they do stuff like this.
Connie Kendall: <laughing> Yeah, that's just what we need—Super Sam!
Sam Johnson: Dum da daaa!
—“Small Fires, Little Pools” -
Bethany Shepard: Oh no, I love it! I look like Laura Ingalls Wilderness in it. When she's out on the frontier herding turkeys and then some Indians, ah, I mean Native Americans, come out from behind the trees, armed with water balloons, and so she runs away, but her little dog Toto gets caught by Pocahontas, the last Mohican, and Laura runs to tell her Pa, who starts to cry, because he's going to abandon her and take part on the Byway to Heaven!
Grandpa Frank: That's exactly what I thought of when we bought it!
—“Potlucks and Poetry” -
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Mike Mulligan: We haven't sorted through this [stuff in the attic] in like--ten years!
—“A Lamb's Tale” -
Fred Holstein: Excuse me while I assist this person whom I have never seen before.
Harlow Doyle: But Fred, if you never saw her before, how do you know it's her?
Fred Holstein: Oh my, that is an excellent question. I'll get back to you on that.
—“The Perfect Witness, Part 2” -
Chris Anthony: Y-you talked!
Lincoln Monument: I know. It's amazing what you can do on radio, isn't it?
—“A Single Vote” -
Wooton Bassett: Oh sure, go right ahead. Just be careful in the rec room. I'm not sure if the oatmeal's congealed yet.
—“The Highest Stakes, Part 2” -
Donna Barclay: All right, we’ll both tell him.
Jimmy Barclay: Ok. When?
Donna Barclay: At the right moment!
Jimmy Barclay: “At the right moment”? When’s that?
Donna Barclay: A month after I move away to college!
—“Treasures of the Heart” -
Bernard Walton: There you go. A chocolate sundae with raspberry sauce.
Whit's End customer: Thanks, Mr. Walton.
Bernard Walton: You're welcome. Hope your folks have good health insurance.
—“Bernard and Esther, Part 2” -
Bernard Walton: How are the Jacobs girls today?
Melanie Jacobs: Bummed.
Bernard Walton: Bummed?
Melanie Jacobs: Yeah, you know. Upset.
Bernard Walton: Oh, good. For a second I thought you were gonna start riding the rails.
—“Bernard and Esther, Part 1” -
Holly Donahue: ...Derek will never love me!
Erica Clark: No! Not again! Derek loves you — he just doesn’t communicate it very well!
Holly Donahue: Victoria? Get me my travel agent. I want a one-way ticket to Alaska.
Derek: Hang up that phone, Holly.
Holly Donahue: Derek! What are you doing here? I thought you were in the hospital!
Derek: I ignored doctors’ orders, ripped out my own IV, and jogged two miles to say this to you: Holly, I love you.
—“Soaplessly Devoted” -
Danny Schmidt: I don’t want to be different anymore. I want to watch Slime Creatures, and play Demon Racers, and watch Power Reptiles and Police Detectives, and... and... whatever I want to do, not what you want me to do.
Steven Schmidt: I’ll tell you something you can do right now — you can leave the table and go to your room.
Danny Schmidt: What?
Steven Schmidt: Right now! You don’t talk to us like that. Now go to your room and cool down.
Danny Schmidt: Yes, sir.
—“All the Difference in the World” -
Connie Kendall: You've got all these secrets. I feel like I'm dating the Pentagon, and I don't even know how to ask you about any of it! I mean, my biggest secret is that I'm afraid of staplers!
Robert Mitchell: Connie--
Connie Kendall: You're not gonna tell anybody, are you?
Robert Mitchell: I promise, but if you'll... you're afraid of staplers?
—“Plan B, Part 2: Collision Course” -
Jason Whittaker: I could say I'm a kumquat, but that doesn't make me one.
Jack Allen: But it's obvious you're not a kumquat.
—“Malachi's Message, Part 2” -
Bernard Walton: Put your calculator away, Eugene, or consider being stranded on the side of the interstate in your estimations!
Eugene Meltsner: Oh, then it's Hollywood, here we come.
—“The Fifth House on the Left, Part 1” -
Robyn Jacobs: They wore black sweaters. You know, sorta like crooks on TV? And they talked funny! Like they had containers!
Dale Jacobs: Containers?
Robyn Jacobs: Yeah, containers! You know, to straighten your teeth?
Ann Jacobs: I think you mean retainers.
Robyn Jacobs: Yeah, that too!
—“But, You Promised” -
Hank Murray: I thought we'd all hold hands and sing. What do you think? I'm gonna tie you up!
—“Hold Up!” -
Jimmy Barclay: You're our tour guide?
Don Iowa: That's right. Don Iowa, guest liaison.
Doris Rathbone: Ooh, I just love Hawaiian names - how do you spell that?
Don Iowa: D-O-N.
Doris Rathbone: No, your last name.
—“Aloha, Oy!, Part 1” -
John Whittaker: You'll get more protection out of a deodorant spray than from that silly good luck charm!
—“Gotcha!” -
June Kendall: You know, Connie tried to make sushi once when she was a little girl -- that poor goldfish!
Connie Kendall: Mom...
—“Something Blue, Part 2” -
Joe Finneman: Connie, Dale. There is no story. Now really. Ok?
Dale Jacobs: Ok, I read ya. But you need to know that I'm gonna keep digging. I think you do have a story and I think it deserves to be told.
—“The War Hero” -
Martin Franklin Johns: What are you doing?
Russell Kosh: I'm changing shirts.
Martin Franklin Johns: Go in the other room, will you?
Russell Kosh: Why?
Martin Franklin Johns: The girl!
Russell Kosh: Don't be such an idiot. She's blind, remember?
Martin Franklin Johns: Well, I'm going in the other room.
—“The Perfect Witness, Part 1” -
John Whittaker: Well, he gave me an emergency key. I'm proclaiming an official emergency.
Connie Kendall: I agree.
—“Plan B, Part 1: Missing in Action” -
Paul Herlinger: Oh, hi there! I'm John Avery Whittaker, but you can call me Whit. We were just getting ready for a time of wonder, excitement and discovery! Care to join us? You never know what'll happen next time--Bah. Next. Let's do this right.
—“Inside the Studio” -
Bart: Hey I’ve got an idea for improving the town.
Bernard: You’re moving?
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Connie: Penny, for half an hour you’ve been decorating this house and humming Jingle Bells and yelling ‘hey!’ Now why do you do that?
Penny: Because it’s too hard to hum the 'hey’ part. -
Richard Maxwell: It’s against my moral code!
Jack: Oh, your morals are not up to code. -
Alex: I’m a digital addict. I diagnosed myself online.
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Bridget: What is wrong with you?
Jules: Off the top of my head, I’d say low self-esteem, a lack of paternal affection, and a genetic predisposition to anxiety and depression. -
Connie: Don’t you dare call me irrational! You know that makes me crazy.
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Jillian: You’ve been seeing a man?
Connie: Only when I close my eyes and concentrate. -
Sarah: Excuse me, Liz, but I’ve got news for you. Copernicus called and you are NOT the centre of the universe.
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Jules: This is the fifth time my mother has called today, I really should pick this up.
Bridget: You know what? You should not pick this up, cuz the last thing you need right now is a conversation with a pathological narcissist!
Jules: Okay, you don’t know her, and if I don’t answer, she’s gonna keep calling me. She’s like a stalker I used to live inside of. -
Connie: As John Paul Sartre said, we are our choices, and Jillian’s choices are nuts - I mean, she’s seriously bonker-balls!
Professor: Connie, we don’t use terms like that in abnormal psychology.
Connie: I’m sorry, “bonker-balls” isn’t in the DSM-5 yet?